


Finding Home

by cadkitten



Category: DECAYS (Japanese Band), Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Death, Hopeful Ending, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Minor Character Death, Romance, Storms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7835992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Light flashed across the sky and the clouds finally opened up, rain pelting down upon the city. The first splashes hit him and he realized just how desperately he wanted <i>something</i> to ease the bitter ache of loneliness: alcohol, nicotine... some<i>one</i>. He wanted to <i>feel</i> and he wanted it to be anything but this, anything but this burning agony inside of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Home

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "Sleeping At Last" by Saturn

The last rays of the sun slipped down behind the false horizon of the skyscrapers that had become most of Tokyo's landscape. Overhead the first hints of an incoming storm were brewing, clouds heavy with rain moving in from the east, the barest of breezes picking up just enough to pick up the stray hairs that had escaped from Die's ponytail. He pushed three blonde strands back behind his ear and closed his eyes, tipping his face up with the fragile hope that it would simply start to pour because he willed it to be so. 

Tears welled up and streaked down into his hairline, a tightness he was growing far too used to clenching at his chest. This was becoming far too common, this repetitive motion of loss and grief that had been overflowing his life these past few months. He could still name the exact moment this hell had begun, the first phone call in a world that was slowly becoming shaped by nothing more than death.

_3:57 am, the trill of his ringtone jerking him from a fitful sleep. Fumbling desperation as he tracked it down and caught it on the final few seconds before it would have gone to voicemail._

It hadn't been expected and it wasn't like he'd had time to get used to the idea of such a loss. His friend hadn't been sick and it wasn't some freak accident, only a hospital visit and a quick death in the hours following. Even now they were still awaiting the autopsy results of that particular tragedy, though the preliminaries had suggested last stage cancer as the reason.

The second had come in the moments as he'd left the stage after one of his own shows, grim staff members standing in the back, one of them solemnly holding his phone out to him, tears in her eyes. _That_ had been a phone call Die had never wanted to take, had _known_ from the instant he'd seen the name on the caller ID what the call was going to be about. 

The wind picked up and Die wrapped his arms around himself, bringing his cardigan around him and holding tight onto the ends as he tucked himself against the corner of the railing. He was trembling slightly, but it had nothing to do with the cold tonight.

Thunder rolled in the distance and Die lost the battle with his tears, feeling them streaming down his face, quicker now. His breath lodged in his throat and he released the most broken of sounds as he slid down the rail to the concrete beneath, his shoulders jerking with the force of his sobs. Hunching over his knees, he let himself feel the pain he'd denied himself all through the funeral service today, the one he'd known would happen one day, but still hadn't ever wanted to be present for. The image of the urn that contained his mother's ashes danced before his eyes as a thin wail came choking up to free itself upon the world.

He hadn't told anyone except his ex when he'd told her to keep his son for the evening, that he couldn't handle anything except himself tonight. His friends didn't know, even when he'd rejected two invitations to go out tonight, he hadn't explained why. He didn't _want_ to be alone, but he couldn't bear explaining over and over that he'd lost one of the people closest to him and he'd been keeping it to himself for over a week.

Hitching in his breath, he tilted his head back, slowly hitting it against the wrought iron behind him, the tap of slight pain keeping him grounded when the rest of him was swirling in an abyss of agony. 

Light flashed across the sky and the clouds finally opened up, rain pelting down upon the city. The first splashes hit him and he realized just how desperately he wanted _something_ to ease the bitter ache of loneliness: alcohol, nicotine... some _one_. He wanted to _feel_ and he wanted it to be anything but this, anything but this burning agony inside of him.

Rain tracked through his already damp hair, dripping from the ends down onto his shoulders and soaking into the fabric there. The wind changed directions and the rain came right in his face. Squeezing his eyes shut tight against it, he let it happen, let it consume him as his thoughts plunged, closer and closer to a familiar old hell, a place he hadn't been in a decade or better. His fingers itched for something he hadn't done, hadn't _wanted_ in so very long. A shudder ripped through him and his hands found his hair, tangling in it and _pulling_. 

Fingertips touched his cheek and the rain stopped pelting him and for an instant, all Die could think was that his mother had come to protect him from himself. Eyes shut tight against the reality, he whispered out, "Mother."

Arms wrapped around his shoulders and he caught the faintest scent of a familiar - if long absent - cologne. Realization of the truth hit him harder than if it _had_ been his mother's ghost caring for him in his worst moments. His hands released his hair and reached to fist in the material of his savior's shirt, clinging to him in complete desperation. " _Kyo_."

The gentle clink of something over their heads let him know Kyo had prepared before he'd come out here to get him and when he felt Kyo's weight settle on his legs, he knew Kyo had no intention of moving him from his chosen spot. He knew he was with a man who understood grief to a degree so complete and far reaching that it would have crushed a lesser being. Soft fingertips brushed the water from his cheeks, wiped the tears away right along with it, and he felt some semblance of relief in the wake of the touch. 

"How-?" he managed, the rest of it gone, swallowed up into nothingness. 

"Tia called me." Kyo's voice was just the same as Die remembered it, just as oddly settling as it had always been. There was a gravity in his words that left the weight on Die's heart and soul just a little less of a burden.

Closing his eyes again, Die gave a shaky tug to Kyo's shirt, feeling him shift, a silent sigh of relief leaving him as he accepted the full weight against his chest, the physicality easing the ever growing tide of emotion, even if just for a moment. Longing he hadn't felt in years blossomed somewhere deep inside of him and he didn't bother to deny it, couldn't have found it in him to push Kyo away even if he had wanted to. He needed this more than he wanted to admit. Needed this closeness and needed the hints of what could have been if he hadn't walked certain paths in his life.

A hitch of a sob left him and he was flooded with images of his mother again, of every smile and every angry exchange, one in particular gutting him at that moment. He recalled her words of devastation in the wake of the end of their time together as a band, the look of shame on her face as he defended never having spoken the truth to Kyo in all those years. More than all of that, he remembered her whispered words when he'd come to her months later, shaking and terrified as he learned that a woman he barely knew bore his child within her. She'd cupped his cheeks in her hands - much the same as Kyo had so very recently - and she'd whispered, " _Darling boy, one day - when I'm old and gone - you'll find your light in the darkness._ " 

It had felt cryptic at the time, felt like she was telling him the impossible future. But now, sitting here, he felt like it hadn't been Tia at all that had sent Kyo to him. It felt like his own mother had forced some cosmic hand to give him the push he'd always needed.

Taking in another shaky breath, he held it for a moment before he let himself say a word. Even when he parted his lips to tell Kyo everything he'd ever needed to, none of it would come. The wounds of loss were still too fresh, too damning, and he could only think of how much it would hurt him to be pushed away in this moment. 

Opening his eyes, he stared up into the umbrella Kyo had settled over them, watching as the wind shifted directions and - too late- Kyo reached for it as it blew away, out into the neon-painted darkness. The wind whipped around them and for one breathless second, Die was certain he felt the loving embrace of his mother's arms, that he caught the scent of her unique fragrance on the air.

Tipping his head back down, he caught Kyo's gaze, found the tears shimmering within them, and he understood that it hadn't just been him. It had never been. 

Slipping his hand up along Kyo's shoulder and then around to cup the back of his neck, he watched - shock and fascination swimming within him - as Kyo leaned in, his eyelids lowering, the tears spilling over, cascading down his cheeks. Hesitation evaporated and when their lips met, the world around them ceased to be, the wind and the rain fell into the background, the foreground sharp with the trembling, desperate _need_ of the moment. 

Maybe he couldn't say it just yet. Perhaps he was lost in a world that harbored his pain and dealt it in spades. In that instant, Die was sure nothing could touch him so fully again that he couldn't weather it within these arms. For the first time in his life, he'd found _home_.


End file.
